Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
