I have demons in me.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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