Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
