what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
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Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
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If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
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