she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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