Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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