she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
