really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
