I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
