i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
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