I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
