I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
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