I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Boobs speak an international language.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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