also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
