He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
