I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
