Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
