also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Girls should come with a carfax report
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
