so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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