just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Randomize
