I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Randomize
