He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
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last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
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Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
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