Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
