There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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