just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.