I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
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you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
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Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
You tried paying your tab with the coaster