My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
17 of the Dumbest Defenses Heard in Court
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
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I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?