she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
