Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
bring money and cleavage
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
