watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
