I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
