Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
