he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
pop tarts are not kleenex
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
