Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Randomize
