So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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