Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
