I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Randomize
