My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
