Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
