woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
