she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
