I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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