I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
