Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
