4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
