YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
