mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
