Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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