I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
