this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
