I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Randomize
