if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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