That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
