i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
