I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
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At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
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Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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