i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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