Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
