also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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