He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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